Zombie Cuisine: A Southern Grit Halloween Feature (Part 1)

Illustrations by Will Bailey

“You know Fitz, you should do an article about how to best cook a human” -Chef Luke Brigham during the tail end of a long Nouvelle Restaurant shift. 

YES! What a damn fabulous idea from the Brigham. So I sent out the word to several of my favorite local chefs and industry people, “Hey guy’s if you had to make a dish using the human body… A “Zombies’ Death Row Meal” if you will. What would you make and how would you make it?”

The following is what I got back from Chef Nic Hagen at HomeGrown Restaurant in Olde Towne Portsmouth, Chef David Hledik at Saint Germain Restaurant on Granby Street in Norfolk, Sherrod Faulks of Slice and Torte catering, and Chef Sayvepen Sengsavang of Le Mu Eats Fusion Pop-Up… all illustrated by my good friend and former bandmate (kinda) Will Bailey. ENJOY!

Hagens Leggings braised in redeye sauce at 250 for 10-14hrs (Nic Hagen/ Homegrown)

“I have the best and largest calfs around so I would cook them low and slow.

I think most humans should be cooked slow” -Hagen

1. Remove calf cut into Osso Bucco cuts .

2. Season with salt and pepper

3. Sear hard in lard or rendered human fat.. I got plenty of that to spare.

4. Once you get good sear deglaze pan with strong double brewed coffee

5. Add fresh tomatoes sauce and carrots, onions and herbs.

6. Cover calf pieces with beef braise in oven or over smoker for 10-14 hrs until tender.

7. Remove from sauce, reduce sauce to desired consistency

8. Cook some of Brothers Farms’s greens and butter salt and pepper to taste

9. Serve calf over greens

10. Add potatoes if you want but chef’s choice would be fresh baked house style bread!!

Ballotine of Man (Dave Hledik/ Saint Germain)

I would start with a male cadaver, as there are more edible parts (I don’t like waste).

I would go the route of traditional ballotine. Starting by beheading and dismembering the body, leaving mostly the torso intact.

The legs will be bled, rinsed and cured for 2 weeks before heading to the aging room to lose about 30% of their moisture and then smoked for a couple nice, foot attached country hams.

The arms will be processed and made into sausage, the eyes discarded.

Face, tongue, ears, and brain will be carefully removed from the skull, cured, rolled back into the face and tied like a French roast. It will then spend 48 hours in a circulating water bath to break down collagens and be made tender. Finally it will be smoked and we will slice it thin and indulge as an appetizer; human face bacon.

Back to the torso- Inedible glands and such will be discarded, the offal, mountain oysters, and dong will be joining the arms in the sausage mix. I will carefully bone the torso and stuff it with the sausage, roll it up tight, seal it with transglutaminase and tie it tight, next it will slow roast until tender.

Last step is to chat the skin until it’s super crispy, and slice the cylindrical ballotine and serve. The skull and bones have been made into stock which has then been used to make the delicious “sauce Robert ” that we will baste our portioned meat with.

Leftovers will be chopped and put into tacos. -Hledik

Spice Braised Human Thigh (Sherrod Faulks/ Slice and Torte)

Human thighs are a great candidate for braising — they’re inexpensive, fatty, full of connective tissue, and very flavorful. Be aggressive with your seasoning and spices and you’ll be rewarded with the most tender meat and rich sauce. Feel free to cut away much of the fat surrounding the muscle, but save that skin for crackling!

For the best braise, instruct your butcher to slice the human’s thigh crosswise so you get cuts of a few different muscles, such as the vastus lateralis, sartorius, and rectus femoris. You can discard the illiotibial tract or save it for human stock. If possible, ask for a bit of the quadriceps femori tendon and patellar ligament; they will make your braising liquid silky and rich. -Faulks

Ingredients:

• 7-quart dutch oven
• 4-5 pounds skinless bone-in human thigh
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1 tablespoon pepper
• 1½ teaspoons red pepper flakes
• 1 large onion
• 2 big parsnips
• 3 star anise
• 4 sticks of cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon cloves
• 6 large garlic cloves
• 1 cup sweet Port
• 4 bay leaves
• 4 big stalks of rosemary
• 1 ounce dried porcini mushrooms
• 750 milliliters bold dry red wine 
• 4 cups human or vegetable stock 

Instructions:

1. Preheat an oven to 325°F and arrange the racks so the dutch oven will sit in the middle of the oven.
2. If you got a thigh in one piece, cut it into 4 or 5 smaller pieces to fit in your dutch oven better.
3. Sprinkle the salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes all over the thigh and rub the seasoning in.
4. Working in batches, place the thigh, fattiest sides down, in the cold dutch oven. Turn the heat to medium-high. Render the fat, about 7 to 8 minutes. Rotate each muscle and cook 2 minutes on each side, including the bone side. Remove the muscles to a baking sheet and cook the next batch if necessary.
5. While the thigh is rendering, cut the onion into a large dice. Quarter the parsnips and cut them using a rolling cut.
6. Drain all but 2 tablespoons fat (1 tablespoon if using a cast-iron dutch oven). Add the onion, parsnip, star anise, cinnamon and cloves. Cook over medium-high for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent burning.
7. Add the garlic cloves and cook another 5 minutes.
8. Deglaze with the port, scraping up the browned bits.
9. Add the bay leaves, rosemary, dried porcinis, wine and stock. Cover, raise the heat to high and bring to a boil.  
10. Place the dutch oven into the oven and cook for 2½ to 3½ hours. Remove the rosemary stalks and bay leaves before serving.

Brain Nam Ka-Ti (Sayvepen Sengsavang/ Le Mu Eats)

Ingredients: 1 brain, 1 cup of palm sugar, 2 cups of coconut milk, 1/2 teaspoon of salt

Directions:

1. Freeze brain for 4-6 hours.

     2. Using a large grater, grate the brain into a large bowl

     3. Set aside for later

     4. Mix coconut milk with palm sugar and salt and boil it.

     5. Let the coconut milk and palm sugar mixture cool.

     6. When serving, mix grated brain with coconut milk and add a little crushed ice on top.

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Keep an eye out for Part 2 on Friday featuring more “Zombie Death Row Meal Recipes” by Stella Pomianek of Cafe Stella, David Hannah of Press 626, and Mark David Beyer of Venture Kitchen & Bar… and those three human flesh sizzling delectibles will be illustrated by Walt Taylor!