Article by Chris Fellini with lead illustration by Fitz
DELIVERED VIA SOUTHERN GRIT MAGAZINE
Dear Norfolk Restaurants,
We are writing to notify you that your aggressive overuse of Edison bulbs infringes upon SOCIETY’S (heretofore referred to as “WE,” “US,” or “OUR”) exclusive rights to dine in establishments that are not stuck following five-year-old trends. Accordingly, you are hereby directed to
CEASE AND DESIST ALL USE OF EDISON BULBS.
WE have the right to not see the same lighting in every new restaurant. Hanging Edison bulbs in manufactured disarray does not fool us into thinking the establishment is ‘original.’ The overuse of Edison bulbs comes off as patronizing and tacky. Consider recessed lighting, wall sconces, or maybe utilize chandeliers. WE would even settle for disco balls again. No matter what you choose, you must cease to rely on a form of lighting that has been effectively outlawed due to its inefficiency. The flagrant overuse does not mark you as a rebel, nor does it serve to showcase your vintage tastes. Note: using imposter LED bulbs made to replicate incandescents does not negate your violation.
WE have examples of your overuse to preserve as evidence. WE also have written proof per the internet (e.g., Details, NY Eater, New York Observer). Your actions constitute a brazen attempt to be trendy. The consequences of said violation include constant Instagram selfies by drunk college kids, scoffs by hipsters who’ve moved on to the next big thing, and annoying comments from armchair designers (AKA HGTV addicts). If you continue to engage in Edison bulb overuse after receiving this letter, your actions will be evidence of ‘willful douche-baggery.’
WE demand that you immediately (A) cease and desist your annoying dependence on Edison bulbs to show that you’re hip with the trends and (B) provide US with prompt assurance that you will cease and desist from further reliance on following the pack and being five years behind the rest of the country.
If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand, WE are entitled to use your failure to comply as evidence of ‘willful douche-baggery’ and seek equitable relief from your pack mentality by frequenting other restaurants that (A) actually stay current with design trends or (B) don’t give a damn what the lighting looks like because they’re too busy making good food and drinks. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that WE will contemplate pursuing all available remedies, including backhanded comments, #shaming, and a myriad of articles in design and architecture magazines talking about how outdated and/or overused Edison bulbs are.
Before taking these steps, however, WE wish to give you an opportunity to discontinue your annoying conduct by complying with this demand.
If you or your interior decorator have any questions, please contact US directly.
Sincerely,
SOCIETY
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